i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
