the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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