You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Randomize
