Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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