she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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