My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
