they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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