I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My vagina just recognized that song.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
