i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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