It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
