could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
