i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
