so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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