I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
