he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
