I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
