I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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