Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I feel like a drive thru vagina
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
