Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
