i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
the raccoons are back...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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