I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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