I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
