i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
