I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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