Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
