She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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