Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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