How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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