you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
we should paint friendship bongs
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