Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I understand Curling. That high.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
