I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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