how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
