I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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