I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
