I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
