You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
