yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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