I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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