Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
