Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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