You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
