He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
