Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
