Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
