I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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