I love black thongs
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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