i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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