If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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