I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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