my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
